Theory or Razor-tivity

It's fall. In Colorado

that means you start layering, wearing jeans, maybe throwing on a sweater in the evenings. Your wardrobe begins to show off rich fall colors, gem tones and if you are civilized, you put away or flip flops until next summer.

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You venture outside, breath in the cool, crisp air and watch the golden leaves fall from the trees. Then you remember, besides Starbucks bringing back your favorite pumpkin latte, you have one other fall bonus, you can take a few days off shaving your legs. I mean, you won't be showing them off as much.

It's fall. In Florida

that means you continue wearing your Jack Rogers, maybe opting for a slightly richer color like platinum instead of the darling pink of summer. You look longingly into the bright sky and wonder when the days will come when the mercury will dip below 75 degrees. You know these days are payment for all the love the coast will give back during the mid-winter glory.

Right now, though, you pine for the life of a mountain girl who can just cover her legs with cute pants, maybe jeans even and actually stop shaving her legs. I mean, no one ever sees their legs anyway.

In a way, I've lived both lives and that's how I formulated the theory of "razor-tivity".

Undoubtedly you've heard of the theory of relativity...something about time and space folding in on itself blah-de-blah, black hole, yada, yada...watch the Big Bang Theory if you don't know what I'm talking about.

So, here goes, Eli's Theory or Razortivity

Every razor is designed to only cut a certain length of hair. That is the constant. What is relative is the number of times it cuts to get to that total length...but let me tell you, when it is done (and it knows) it starts pulling your hair.

Here's how this works.

In Colorado, during the cold months when mountain women don't shave (I've met a few), the razor cuts long pieces of hair infrequently, when the total length of the average strand cut is equal to three inches...the razor starts to pull and it must be replaced. So you get maybe 8 shaves over the winter and it's time for a new one.

In Florida, however, winter months are filled with showing off legs (darned it). So getting to the three inches takes the same time but nearly 45 shaves before it starts pulling.

I really would have thought you could use the razor 45 times in either place but NOT SO! 

Stupid thing is smarter than it looks.

Mountain Meanings and Nautical Nuances

I have now lived in Palm Beach for a year. I noticed some words that are used differently in the salty life than in the snowy life. I have put together a small list of terms to help anyone transitioning between the two environments. Just remember, this is all in fun and is taken from my own perceptions and certainly not from Webster's.

	Mountain Definition	Beach Definition
Berm	A pile of snow	A pile of sand
Coast	To drift on a bicycle, without pedaling, down a mountain pass at high speeds	Where the ocean meets the land
Clutch	A really cute purse	80-120 sea turtle eggs laid in a hole by a mama turtle in the middle of the night
Feeder Bands	Catering companies working with musical touring groups	The outer most rings of nasty weather from tropical storms. These babies can dump lots of rain and I guess, they feed the storms
Glory Hole	A reference to a place in a river in which the fish of a lifetime can be caught by fly fishing	A box in the boat, hinged to open on top, where ropes and tools are kept
Ground Scatter	The stuff on trees that turns brown in autumn and then falls to the ground	Images on a boat’s radar that are meaningless
Guarded Beach	Security Guards on Beaches? What?	Life Guards keep beach goers safe from marine life, rip currents and hopefully their own dumb selves
Heave	What happens when you drink too much alcohol at high altitude	The vertical  rise and fall of a wave
Slip	Made of silk, it is a piece of clothing worn under a dress so the static electricity doesn’t make the skirt cling and people don’t see your underwear	Made of wood, it is where you park your boat so people can get on and off and so it doesn’t drift off into the ocean
Spaghetti Models	Super thin fashion models OR The plates of display pasta you see at the Eat-a-Lot Corral	Lines shown on the Ocean’s map to attempt to predict a storm’s track
Storm Surge	The mass exodus to the mountains before a big winter storm hits the mountains OR the propensity to call in sick when the ski conditions are perfect	The advancing winds and water levels of a tropical storm or hurricane. Strongest in high tide and is often the most dangerous part of the storm
Wax	A substance placed on the bottom of skis to make them faster on the snow	(I had to look this one up) A substance placed on the top of a surfboard so the surfer doesn't fall off

I'm sure I missed a few. If you have a classic one (or one you just made up today) leave a comment...I'd love to hear it. See you soon, Eli

For more information check out The Nautical Dictionary, The Glossary of Rock, Ice and Mountain Climbing and for a really different set of vocabulary, a list of Snowboarder Tricks.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Jack-in-the-box!

Ever seen one of these? Of course you have. If you grew up some time in the 70's or 80's you might even remember this exact one. Funny thing about Jack-in-the-Box is that: Some people love'em. Some people hate'em.

You know, you turn the handle, it plays a little tune and at some point, the scary little clown comes popping up sending an adrenaline rush through your entire body.

Well, in Colorado, at altitude, we don't need no stinkin' Jack-in-the-Boxes, 'cause we got PILLSBURY!!

Those impossible cans of yumminess. Ok, so just like a Jack, you hold on to the paper handle, turn the can and although there may not be any music, the scary little biscuits come popping out with a mini explosion, sending an adrenaline rush through your entire body.

Guess what? That has not once happened to me at Sea Level. I'm waiting. I'm waiting, and NO POP!

I've had to take matters into my own hands. Looks something like this:

After you hold the foil-icious paper and twist the can, lay it on the cutting board and give the seam a whack with a wooden spoon...problem solved with control.

Next time you are out west, go to the mountains and go big with your adrenaline rushes: Pillsbury!